im back!

Went pretty MIA with this blog if I’m being honest with myself. So, since I’m in a shit mood, I decided I might as well update everyone on what has been going on.

So the cool thing is I’m back on my meds that make me feel happier. The not so cool thing is that I feel really lonely and hyperaware of the e v e r y t h i n g. The down side of these meds are that they give me more energy and hmmm why would that be a bad thing? Maybe because I have absolutely nothing to do at school!!! My homework load isn’t unbearable and usually gets finished early in the day and I can no longer just rot away in my bed. I /want/ to hang out with people and be around people but I feel like no one here wants to be around me.

I hung out with a boy last night and had a really good time to not be in contact for all of day. These meds are supposed to “help” with anxiety, but because the increase of energy there is the increase of paranoia E T C. So basically… I have absolutely no more fingernails to bite and my clinical strength deodorant isn’t even working. So I feel better???? But also feel like shit??? You know how it is. And if you don’t,,, then,,, keep doing what you’re doing.

New Week

I’ve kind of gone into this weekend with a mix of a “F it” attitude and more optimism. I get to go home this weekend and the weather from the weekend carried over into the past two days which has been ~lovely~. Tomorrow, however, I’m not looking forward to it. It’s a high of 55 and I have to sit down with my boss which means AnXIeTY!!! But I slid my number into this guy’s shoe at work (I work at an ice rink and I take their shoes and give them skates) and he actually texted me, but since I’m bad at talking he hasn’t answered since 4pm… it’s now 9pm AND I have to see him tomorrow. He seems like a nice guy, though, so I’m sure it will just be funny and maybe make it seem more normal??? How normal can this situation really be, honestly..

But tomorrow is the hump! HUUUMP DAAAAAY. I get through tomorrow, I have one class Thursday, a 2.5 hour bus ride home and then I can just ~chill~. I don’t know why I think ~~~ those give a different vibe to the word and I’m sorry if it annoys you or let me know if you get it too?? But what I’m trying to get to is that, just because you have a bad week (or weeks…) it doesn’t mean it’s a bad life. Which the past week(s) I’ve FELT that. Its that overwhelming feeling that things won’t get better and I’ll just continue digging a bigger and bigger hole for myself. But here I am two days into a new week and I’m BREATHING!!! How incredible is that? If the rest of the week goes to shit, at least Monday and Tuesday I breathed and smiled at least a little bit. I saw friends and got work done and soon enough I’ll eat a HOME COOKED MEAL.

April six

I’ve been sad every day of the month of April. However, the days are getting better, the weather is getting nicer, and were getting closer to the end of the year. It’s crazy that school is the place I’ve spent so much time looking forward to being at and the place I’ve grown to resent and want to escape. I have one more month of my third year of college and time flies regardless if you’re having fun or if you’re a miserable piece of garbage wasting away in bed.

In my human development class, I was reminded how much more life I have left to live. I’m 20 years old and I have, expected, around 60- 70 more years left to live. SIXTY TO SEVENTY YEARS LEFT TO LIVE. As someone who thinks about dying every single day, it’s a weird realization that I seriously have barely lived much life at all. I guess it’s a reminder that I have so much time to work on myself, to figure things out, to find love both to give and within myself. But these past 20 years, dude… they have felt LONG. Yeah there’s some days where I’m like wow! I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. And then I have a professor in her mid 40’s telling me that she expects to live 40 more years and my head begins to hurt and my mind starts to spiral and my thoughts begin to race. Also, realistically, who knows if I’ll make it 60-70 years. Freak accidents, illnesses, whatever, that all happens too.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post, but I guess I’m reflecting how even on a beautiful day I’m still sad. Sun is shining down and I’m still sad. But, there are things that I am looking forward to. Last night, since I realized how bad every day of April has felt, I decided to write down in the notes on my phone one thing that happened during the day that made it worth still being alive. Just little things that I did or enjoyed or just didn’t make me want to kill myself. I decided I’m going to do this every day for at least the rest of the semester to not only get myself through every day, but as a reflection that the little things really count and can outweigh the bigger, “bad” things.

I feel really unsure about this post, but I need to stop caring because this blog is for me more than anything else. Sometimes I read the journals that I kept in high school and there is some #dark #shit in them. I want to shake 14-17 year old Paige and say, “honey, you’ve got a BIG storm comin’ for ya!” But blah blah blah gotta go through the storm to see the rainbow whatever I know things are and will get better and hopefully the help of therapy and medication can help alter my thoughts better and I can stop repeating the same mistake.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist next Friday and I’m pretty excited. Not to tell her that I’m still sad, but maybe for something to change or for her to punch me in the face and call me stupid- which ever happens.