im back!

Went pretty MIA with this blog if I’m being honest with myself. So, since I’m in a shit mood, I decided I might as well update everyone on what has been going on.

            So the cool thing is I’m back on my meds that make me feel happier. The not so cool thing is that I feel really lonely and hyperaware of the e v e r y t h i n g. The down side of these meds are that they give me more energy and hmmm why would that be a bad thing? Maybe because I have absolutely nothing to do at school!!! My homework load isn’t unbearable and usually gets finished early in the day and I can no longer just rot away in my bed. I /want/ to hang out with people and be around people but I feel like no one here wants to be around me.

            I hung out with a boy last night and had a really good time to not be in contact for all of day. These meds are supposed to “help” with anxiety, but because the increase of energy there is the increase of paranoia E T C. So basically… I have absolutely no more fingernails to bite and my clinical strength deodorant isn’t even working. So I feel better???? But also feel like shit??? You know how it is. And if you don’t,,, then,,, keep doing what you’re doing.

New Week

I’ve kind of gone into this weekend with a mix of a “F it” attitude and more optimism. I get to go home this weekend and the weather from the weekend carried over into the past two days which has been ~lovely~. Tomorrow, however, I’m not looking forward to it. It’s a high of 55 and I have to sit down with my boss which means AnXIeTY!!! But I slid my number into this guy’s shoe at work (I work at an ice rink and I take their shoes and give them skates) and he actually texted me, but since I’m bad at talking he hasn’t answered since 4pm… it’s now 9pm AND I have to see him tomorrow. He seems like a nice guy, though, so I’m sure it will just be funny and maybe make it seem more normal??? How normal can this situation really be, honestly..

But tomorrow is the hump! HUUUMP DAAAAAY. I get through tomorrow, I have one class Thursday, a 2.5 hour bus ride home and then I can just ~chill~. I don’t know why I think ~~~ those give a different vibe to the word and I’m sorry if it annoys you or let me know if you get it too?? But what I’m trying to get to is that, just because you have a bad week (or weeks…) it doesn’t mean it’s a bad life. Which the past week(s) I’ve FELT that. Its that overwhelming feeling that things won’t get better and I’ll just continue digging a bigger and bigger hole for myself. But here I am two days into a new week and I’m BREATHING!!! How incredible is that? If the rest of the week goes to shit, at least Monday and Tuesday I breathed and smiled at least a little bit. I saw friends and got work done and soon enough I’ll eat a HOME COOKED MEAL.

April six

I’ve been sad every day of the month of April. However, the days are getting better, the weather is getting nicer, and were getting closer to the end of the year. It’s crazy that school is the place I’ve spent so much time looking forward to being at and the place I’ve grown to resent and want to escape. I have one more month of my third year of college and time flies regardless if you’re having fun or if you’re a miserable piece of garbage wasting away in bed.

In my human development class, I was reminded how much more life I have left to live. I’m 20 years old and I have, expected, around 60- 70 more years left to live. SIXTY TO SEVENTY YEARS LEFT TO LIVE. As someone who thinks about dying every single day, it’s a weird realization that I seriously have barely lived much life at all. I guess it’s a reminder that I have so much time to work on myself, to figure things out, to find love both to give and within myself. But these past 20 years, dude… they have felt LONG. Yeah there’s some days where I’m like wow! I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. And then I have a professor in her mid 40’s telling me that she expects to live 40 more years and my head begins to hurt and my mind starts to spiral and my thoughts begin to race. Also, realistically, who knows if I’ll make it 60-70 years. Freak accidents, illnesses, whatever, that all happens too.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post, but I guess I’m reflecting how even on a beautiful day I’m still sad. Sun is shining down and I’m still sad. But, there are things that I am looking forward to. Last night, since I realized how bad every day of April has felt, I decided to write down in the notes on my phone one thing that happened during the day that made it worth still being alive. Just little things that I did or enjoyed or just didn’t make me want to kill myself. I decided I’m going to do this every day for at least the rest of the semester to not only get myself through every day, but as a reflection that the little things really count and can outweigh the bigger, “bad” things.

I feel really unsure about this post, but I need to stop caring because this blog is for me more than anything else. Sometimes I read the journals that I kept in high school and there is some #dark #shit in them. I want to shake 14-17 year old Paige and say, “honey, you’ve got a BIG storm comin’ for ya!” But blah blah blah gotta go through the storm to see the rainbow whatever I know things are and will get better and hopefully the help of therapy and medication can help alter my thoughts better and I can stop repeating the same mistake.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist next Friday and I’m pretty excited. Not to tell her that I’m still sad, but maybe for something to change or for her to punch me in the face and call me stupid- which ever happens.

Depression and Attention Seeking

This is something I haven’t been able to get off my mind since I started this blog a few days ago. I’ve had this intense fear that the people I know think that I’m searching for some kind of pity by sharing how I feel so publicly. I feel like people won’t take me seriously and I’m making some sort of vulnerable joke out of myself. And this is not at all my intention. I want a way to put my feelings into words so they don’t eat away at my insides. I also asked my ~finsta~ followers if I should create this blog or keep my posts to myself and all of the responses were to share them. I know I have the support of some people. I’ve had friends tell me that they appreciate my blog, that they relate to it, or even that it’s nice to begin to get an understanding. I just continue to feel that people think I’m pouring out some sob story or using my mental health as an excuse for my actions. So, this is just my insecure self putting out a disclaimer that I don’t want to be pitied, but these are my honest feelings and thoughts.

This past week I’ve gotten endless support. Which has been really nice. Having friends text you “how are you today?” or “hi just checking in” really feels good. It’s kind of unfortunate that it had to get to a breaking point and almost ~complete breakdown~ to receive this “attention”, but I’m not complaining because now I know who really want me to stay on this earth. I have had people say they’re concerned and then just kind of leave me in the dust, but I’m trying my hardest not to focus on that because we ALL have our own shit we need to go through and figure out! I’m trying to focus on the people who are attempting to understand, listen and want to keep my fragile, sometimes exhausting self, company. Also, I have felt better since creating this blog. Yesterday was a good day since I was distracted from 8am to 8pm, but when I was lying in bed at night I’ll admit I still had those intruding negative thoughts. Exhausting and annoying, even on a good day.

Also, other mental health bloggers have followed my blog and have liked my posts which have felt really nice. Maybe I do belong in a community where we share and uplift each other because I feel that is something that is still a little taboo in our society. Anyways, I’ll probably share more today I just needed to get this off my chest.

Garbage Disposal part 1

I have a folder on my computer labeled “garbage disposal” where I keep things that don’t really matter, have nowhere to go, or just need to be hidden from my main computer screen. I don’t think this will be the first time I’ll take some garbage content from this folder, hence being labeled part 1.

I decided to give it a looky look and found this passage from February 2nd this year ALMOST exactly 2 months ago. Thought sharing this here would do something or be something I don’t really know what I’m expecting, but its a unfiltered look into my thoughts at 9:50 am on a Saturday.

“Yesterday out of impulse I dyed my hair rose gold. It’s kind of purple-y and made my roots a weird color but its FINE. I realized why I did this. All of my time on campus I’ve been blonde and I haven’t liked myself and I really needed to reinvent myself so I guess I went for pink? It all makes sense but I feel overwhelmed and feel like I’m going through a crisis. My new nose ring will also come in today which I am so stoked about. But like I was saying, my chest feels like its going to explode and I have racing thoughts like no other. I really just think I need to talk to someone. I hate talking to therapists, though and I never tell them everything and I feel like my life is going to shambles which I know isn’t true. Things are FINE and are going fine but I’m not doing my best. I wish I was doing my best and I am not even trying my hardest but everything is hard and different and weird. I had a scary dream where I was hospitalized for self-harm last night and I had to talk to the doctor about it and it made me very uncomfortable and I don’t like the way my life has turned out to be, but I think I have the ability to make things better if not soon, eventually. “

School work and depression, an endless battle

College can be a toxic environment for countless reasons and I have probably experienced them all first hand. Boys, booze, drugs, etc, but why would school work be toxic? It’s something we all have to do and something most of us all despise. But when the last thing you want to do in the morning is open your eyes, brush your teeth and hop into the shower the task of even making it to class feels like cruel punishment. Every one of my classes are attendance mandatory, every class I get two missed classes per semester. Everyday I’m surrounded by motivated students. Now why would I let the people around me bother me? Well uhhhh because we all do? Especially us who fall under the mental illness umbrella. However, it isn’t just my peers or my acquaintances. It’s my friends who are always on top of their game, prepared and always two steps ahead. But you can’t blame others for doing what they’re supposed to. I should be doing exactly what they are doing my work, going to class, completing assignments, but it’s the feeling of can’t. Overwhelming I cannot do this.

            If I’m not constantly comparing myself to strangers, I look to the people around me like “hey did you know we had this due?” and of course they did. Either it was mentioned in class or its written on the syllabus. Not only is my motivation stuck in the gutter, but my perception of reality and my awareness to my surroundings is in a constant state of in and out. One second I’m trying to focus, the next I’m hoping for a meteor to come crashing through the classroom landing on specifically me, or just wishing so hard that I could be in my bed watching just one more episode of desperate housewives.

            These are pretty fricken important years of my life. I’m being taught what I need to know to succeed in my future career. I know every single day that if I skip this assignment, if I miss this class, I’m wasting my parent’s money. But just knowing that every single day I am not completely invested into almost hmm anything that’s going on around me, I know that I am being a selfish, unappreciative daughter. I am SO incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to go to school, to continue my education, whatever… and this is what I think about?

            You go to class for a couple hours a day, maybe you have work. The last thing I want to do is look at the never ending gloom that is screaming “YOU ARE SO DUMB” into my face. I feel so small and so insignificant in comparison to so many people. And I know that I am not the only person who struggles to go to class every day or who dreads doing homework assignments, but it’s the feeling that I’m 30 steps behind the people closest to me that makes me want to throw my hands in the air and say “F it all!”

            And that’s my current thoughts while I’m knee-deep in homework assignments, doing the bare minimum in bed at 7:40 pm watching desperate housewives and pouting about how my suorin is broken. It’s the best years of our life ya’ll- keep ‘em coming.

4/2/19, clinical depression and the effects of drinking and antidepressants

Things are back to being bad again. So bad to where my mom had to drive down to campus to pick me up so I could stay at home over night. This was all triggered by a major drinking blackout, but this time feels different and 4 days later I can’t shake the feeling. It’s strange that in the era of social media and technology, I can feel so alone yet have endless support.

Last night my roommates sat me down for a talk. Basically, explaining how they’re concerned for me, but also they’re tired of seeing me continue in this cycle. And well, me too. Why haven’t I learned after experiencing so much pain post alcohol blackouts? Why haven’t I learned after being taken advantage of? So here I am with five weeks left of my junior year having to make the decision of quitting drinking for the rest of the semester. I haven’t even reached 21 and I’m a mess in a downward spiral. I genuinely want a good relationship with drinking, but I must realize that I am not there yet.

            It has also gotten to the point where my mom texts me in the morning just to make sure I’m ok. This morning, I didn’t answer which led to two phone calls. Imagine being a mother and having to make sure your 20-year-old daughter away at college can just make it through the day.

            Having an invisible illness makes me feel like the world’s most selfish person. The amount of guilt I feel every single day is so overwhelming overlapping with the debilitating feeling of regret. Every single day there are so many choices I regret. Every path I have taken has been chosen by me and here I am digging myself into a deeper hole.

            I think why me? I drink and do stupid shit, but I hear stories of people who pass out in the streets, pee in their roommate’s rooms, and puke on their friends and end up in jail. I haven’t done any of those things and yet I feel like a monster that people are just tired “dealing” with. This is because out of the people in my “circle” or even just in my apartment, I’m currently the biggest shit show. I know the point is not that I’m a dickhead when I’m drunk, but the point is the overwhelming suicidal feelings I experience the next day.

            I know that there are so many amazing people in my life. I know that life is most definitely worth living. I just feel like something huge is missing in my life and I can’t figure out what is it. I know my thoughts are incredibly distorted, but checking up on me when I hit rock bottom and being a consistent support system is different in my mind. – I guess I’m just someone who needs consistent reassurance and the current people I have in my life aren’t those kinds of people. They’re amazing, wonderful people, but that’s not who they are.

            However, I can’t blame any part of this on anyone but myself. I am the one fighting with my own brain. I am the one who cannot control and handle myself. I am the one making these decisions. But having a handful of people who I don’t have face to face telling me I will be ok and that these things happen make putting heaps and heaps of blame on myself so much easier.

            Basically, the way I want to finish this post is with: I know things will get better, but I do not see that light right now. As someone who has been in therapy, tried a handful of medicine, and has even dabbled in outpatient therapy, I feel defeated and tired.

            I am taking full responsibility for aggressively continuing to hurt myself, but I also want people to know how hard this is.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

I didn’t actually make this post it just kinda came with the blog, however the quote is kind of fitting and I decided to roll with it. I thought the picture was cheesy though, so I picked another one that I actually took that sometimes reminds me that the world is beautiful and if I’m no longer here, I’ll miss out on so much unseen beauty. So here is some clouds grazing the tops of these mountains in South Africa- how frickin’ majestic.

Also no clue who these people are, so I apologize to them for forever being eternalized now on my mental health blog, thanks for bein’ there!!

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