College can be a toxic environment for countless reasons and I have probably experienced them all first hand. Boys, booze, drugs, etc, but why would school work be toxic? It’s something we all have to do and something most of us all despise. But when the last thing you want to do in the morning is open your eyes, brush your teeth and hop into the shower the task of even making it to class feels like cruel punishment. Every one of my classes are attendance mandatory, every class I get two missed classes per semester. Everyday I’m surrounded by motivated students. Now why would I let the people around me bother me? Well uhhhh because we all do? Especially us who fall under the mental illness umbrella. However, it isn’t just my peers or my acquaintances. It’s my friends who are always on top of their game, prepared and always two steps ahead. But you can’t blame others for doing what they’re supposed to. I should be doing exactly what they are doing my work, going to class, completing assignments, but it’s the feeling of can’t. Overwhelming I cannot do this.

            If I’m not constantly comparing myself to strangers, I look to the people around me like “hey did you know we had this due?” and of course they did. Either it was mentioned in class or its written on the syllabus. Not only is my motivation stuck in the gutter, but my perception of reality and my awareness to my surroundings is in a constant state of in and out. One second I’m trying to focus, the next I’m hoping for a meteor to come crashing through the classroom landing on specifically me, or just wishing so hard that I could be in my bed watching just one more episode of desperate housewives.

            These are pretty fricken important years of my life. I’m being taught what I need to know to succeed in my future career. I know every single day that if I skip this assignment, if I miss this class, I’m wasting my parent’s money. But just knowing that every single day I am not completely invested into almost hmm anything that’s going on around me, I know that I am being a selfish, unappreciative daughter. I am SO incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to go to school, to continue my education, whatever… and this is what I think about?

            You go to class for a couple hours a day, maybe you have work. The last thing I want to do is look at the never ending gloom that is screaming “YOU ARE SO DUMB” into my face. I feel so small and so insignificant in comparison to so many people. And I know that I am not the only person who struggles to go to class every day or who dreads doing homework assignments, but it’s the feeling that I’m 30 steps behind the people closest to me that makes me want to throw my hands in the air and say “F it all!”

            And that’s my current thoughts while I’m knee-deep in homework assignments, doing the bare minimum in bed at 7:40 pm watching desperate housewives and pouting about how my suorin is broken. It’s the best years of our life ya’ll- keep ‘em coming.