Tag: mental health

Depression and Attention Seeking

This is something I haven’t been able to get off my mind since I started this blog a few days ago. I’ve had this intense fear that the people I know think that I’m searching for some kind of pity by sharing how I feel so publicly. I feel like people won’t take me seriously and I’m making some sort of vulnerable joke out of myself. And this is not at all my intention. I want a way to put my feelings into words so they don’t eat away at my insides. I also asked my ~finsta~ followers if I should create this blog or keep my posts to myself and all of the responses were to share them. I know I have the support of some people. I’ve had friends tell me that they appreciate my blog, that they relate to it, or even that it’s nice to begin to get an understanding. I just continue to feel that people think I’m pouring out some sob story or using my mental health as an excuse for my actions. So, this is just my insecure self putting out a disclaimer that I don’t want to be pitied, but these are my honest feelings and thoughts.

This past week I’ve gotten endless support. Which has been really nice. Having friends text you “how are you today?” or “hi just checking in” really feels good. It’s kind of unfortunate that it had to get to a breaking point and almost ~complete breakdown~ to receive this “attention”, but I’m not complaining because now I know who really want me to stay on this earth. I have had people say they’re concerned and then just kind of leave me in the dust, but I’m trying my hardest not to focus on that because we ALL have our own shit we need to go through and figure out! I’m trying to focus on the people who are attempting to understand, listen and want to keep my fragile, sometimes exhausting self, company. Also, I have felt better since creating this blog. Yesterday was a good day since I was distracted from 8am to 8pm, but when I was lying in bed at night I’ll admit I still had those intruding negative thoughts. Exhausting and annoying, even on a good day.

Also, other mental health bloggers have followed my blog and have liked my posts which have felt really nice. Maybe I do belong in a community where we share and uplift each other because I feel that is something that is still a little taboo in our society. Anyways, I’ll probably share more today I just needed to get this off my chest.

Garbage Disposal part 1

I have a folder on my computer labeled “garbage disposal” where I keep things that don’t really matter, have nowhere to go, or just need to be hidden from my main computer screen. I don’t think this will be the first time I’ll take some garbage content from this folder, hence being labeled part 1.

I decided to give it a looky look and found this passage from February 2nd this year ALMOST exactly 2 months ago. Thought sharing this here would do something or be something I don’t really know what I’m expecting, but its a unfiltered look into my thoughts at 9:50 am on a Saturday.

“Yesterday out of impulse I dyed my hair rose gold. It’s kind of purple-y and made my roots a weird color but its FINE. I realized why I did this. All of my time on campus I’ve been blonde and I haven’t liked myself and I really needed to reinvent myself so I guess I went for pink? It all makes sense but I feel overwhelmed and feel like I’m going through a crisis. My new nose ring will also come in today which I am so stoked about. But like I was saying, my chest feels like its going to explode and I have racing thoughts like no other. I really just think I need to talk to someone. I hate talking to therapists, though and I never tell them everything and I feel like my life is going to shambles which I know isn’t true. Things are FINE and are going fine but I’m not doing my best. I wish I was doing my best and I am not even trying my hardest but everything is hard and different and weird. I had a scary dream where I was hospitalized for self-harm last night and I had to talk to the doctor about it and it made me very uncomfortable and I don’t like the way my life has turned out to be, but I think I have the ability to make things better if not soon, eventually. “

4/2/19, clinical depression and the effects of drinking and antidepressants

Things are back to being bad again. So bad to where my mom had to drive down to campus to pick me up so I could stay at home over night. This was all triggered by a major drinking blackout, but this time feels different and 4 days later I can’t shake the feeling. It’s strange that in the era of social media and technology, I can feel so alone yet have endless support.

Last night my roommates sat me down for a talk. Basically, explaining how they’re concerned for me, but also they’re tired of seeing me continue in this cycle. And well, me too. Why haven’t I learned after experiencing so much pain post alcohol blackouts? Why haven’t I learned after being taken advantage of? So here I am with five weeks left of my junior year having to make the decision of quitting drinking for the rest of the semester. I haven’t even reached 21 and I’m a mess in a downward spiral. I genuinely want a good relationship with drinking, but I must realize that I am not there yet.

            It has also gotten to the point where my mom texts me in the morning just to make sure I’m ok. This morning, I didn’t answer which led to two phone calls. Imagine being a mother and having to make sure your 20-year-old daughter away at college can just make it through the day.

            Having an invisible illness makes me feel like the world’s most selfish person. The amount of guilt I feel every single day is so overwhelming overlapping with the debilitating feeling of regret. Every single day there are so many choices I regret. Every path I have taken has been chosen by me and here I am digging myself into a deeper hole.

            I think why me? I drink and do stupid shit, but I hear stories of people who pass out in the streets, pee in their roommate’s rooms, and puke on their friends and end up in jail. I haven’t done any of those things and yet I feel like a monster that people are just tired “dealing” with. This is because out of the people in my “circle” or even just in my apartment, I’m currently the biggest shit show. I know the point is not that I’m a dickhead when I’m drunk, but the point is the overwhelming suicidal feelings I experience the next day.

            I know that there are so many amazing people in my life. I know that life is most definitely worth living. I just feel like something huge is missing in my life and I can’t figure out what is it. I know my thoughts are incredibly distorted, but checking up on me when I hit rock bottom and being a consistent support system is different in my mind. – I guess I’m just someone who needs consistent reassurance and the current people I have in my life aren’t those kinds of people. They’re amazing, wonderful people, but that’s not who they are.

            However, I can’t blame any part of this on anyone but myself. I am the one fighting with my own brain. I am the one who cannot control and handle myself. I am the one making these decisions. But having a handful of people who I don’t have face to face telling me I will be ok and that these things happen make putting heaps and heaps of blame on myself so much easier.

            Basically, the way I want to finish this post is with: I know things will get better, but I do not see that light right now. As someone who has been in therapy, tried a handful of medicine, and has even dabbled in outpatient therapy, I feel defeated and tired.

            I am taking full responsibility for aggressively continuing to hurt myself, but I also want people to know how hard this is.