Tag: college

School work and depression, an endless battle

College can be a toxic environment for countless reasons and I have probably experienced them all first hand. Boys, booze, drugs, etc, but why would school work be toxic? It’s something we all have to do and something most of us all despise. But when the last thing you want to do in the morning is open your eyes, brush your teeth and hop into the shower the task of even making it to class feels like cruel punishment. Every one of my classes are attendance mandatory, every class I get two missed classes per semester. Everyday I’m surrounded by motivated students. Now why would I let the people around me bother me? Well uhhhh because we all do? Especially us who fall under the mental illness umbrella. However, it isn’t just my peers or my acquaintances. It’s my friends who are always on top of their game, prepared and always two steps ahead. But you can’t blame others for doing what they’re supposed to. I should be doing exactly what they are doing my work, going to class, completing assignments, but it’s the feeling of can’t. Overwhelming I cannot do this.

            If I’m not constantly comparing myself to strangers, I look to the people around me like “hey did you know we had this due?” and of course they did. Either it was mentioned in class or its written on the syllabus. Not only is my motivation stuck in the gutter, but my perception of reality and my awareness to my surroundings is in a constant state of in and out. One second I’m trying to focus, the next I’m hoping for a meteor to come crashing through the classroom landing on specifically me, or just wishing so hard that I could be in my bed watching just one more episode of desperate housewives.

            These are pretty fricken important years of my life. I’m being taught what I need to know to succeed in my future career. I know every single day that if I skip this assignment, if I miss this class, I’m wasting my parent’s money. But just knowing that every single day I am not completely invested into almost hmm anything that’s going on around me, I know that I am being a selfish, unappreciative daughter. I am SO incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to go to school, to continue my education, whatever… and this is what I think about?

            You go to class for a couple hours a day, maybe you have work. The last thing I want to do is look at the never ending gloom that is screaming “YOU ARE SO DUMB” into my face. I feel so small and so insignificant in comparison to so many people. And I know that I am not the only person who struggles to go to class every day or who dreads doing homework assignments, but it’s the feeling that I’m 30 steps behind the people closest to me that makes me want to throw my hands in the air and say “F it all!”

            And that’s my current thoughts while I’m knee-deep in homework assignments, doing the bare minimum in bed at 7:40 pm watching desperate housewives and pouting about how my suorin is broken. It’s the best years of our life ya’ll- keep ‘em coming.

4/2/19, clinical depression and the effects of drinking and antidepressants

Things are back to being bad again. So bad to where my mom had to drive down to campus to pick me up so I could stay at home over night. This was all triggered by a major drinking blackout, but this time feels different and 4 days later I can’t shake the feeling. It’s strange that in the era of social media and technology, I can feel so alone yet have endless support.

Last night my roommates sat me down for a talk. Basically, explaining how they’re concerned for me, but also they’re tired of seeing me continue in this cycle. And well, me too. Why haven’t I learned after experiencing so much pain post alcohol blackouts? Why haven’t I learned after being taken advantage of? So here I am with five weeks left of my junior year having to make the decision of quitting drinking for the rest of the semester. I haven’t even reached 21 and I’m a mess in a downward spiral. I genuinely want a good relationship with drinking, but I must realize that I am not there yet.

            It has also gotten to the point where my mom texts me in the morning just to make sure I’m ok. This morning, I didn’t answer which led to two phone calls. Imagine being a mother and having to make sure your 20-year-old daughter away at college can just make it through the day.

            Having an invisible illness makes me feel like the world’s most selfish person. The amount of guilt I feel every single day is so overwhelming overlapping with the debilitating feeling of regret. Every single day there are so many choices I regret. Every path I have taken has been chosen by me and here I am digging myself into a deeper hole.

            I think why me? I drink and do stupid shit, but I hear stories of people who pass out in the streets, pee in their roommate’s rooms, and puke on their friends and end up in jail. I haven’t done any of those things and yet I feel like a monster that people are just tired “dealing” with. This is because out of the people in my “circle” or even just in my apartment, I’m currently the biggest shit show. I know the point is not that I’m a dickhead when I’m drunk, but the point is the overwhelming suicidal feelings I experience the next day.

            I know that there are so many amazing people in my life. I know that life is most definitely worth living. I just feel like something huge is missing in my life and I can’t figure out what is it. I know my thoughts are incredibly distorted, but checking up on me when I hit rock bottom and being a consistent support system is different in my mind. – I guess I’m just someone who needs consistent reassurance and the current people I have in my life aren’t those kinds of people. They’re amazing, wonderful people, but that’s not who they are.

            However, I can’t blame any part of this on anyone but myself. I am the one fighting with my own brain. I am the one who cannot control and handle myself. I am the one making these decisions. But having a handful of people who I don’t have face to face telling me I will be ok and that these things happen make putting heaps and heaps of blame on myself so much easier.

            Basically, the way I want to finish this post is with: I know things will get better, but I do not see that light right now. As someone who has been in therapy, tried a handful of medicine, and has even dabbled in outpatient therapy, I feel defeated and tired.

            I am taking full responsibility for aggressively continuing to hurt myself, but I also want people to know how hard this is.