Things are back to being bad again. So bad to where my mom had to drive down to campus to pick me up so I could stay at home over night. This was all triggered by a major drinking blackout, but this time feels different and 4 days later I can’t shake the feeling. It’s strange that in the era of social media and technology, I can feel so alone yet have endless support.

Last night my roommates sat me down for a talk. Basically, explaining how they’re concerned for me, but also they’re tired of seeing me continue in this cycle. And well, me too. Why haven’t I learned after experiencing so much pain post alcohol blackouts? Why haven’t I learned after being taken advantage of? So here I am with five weeks left of my junior year having to make the decision of quitting drinking for the rest of the semester. I haven’t even reached 21 and I’m a mess in a downward spiral. I genuinely want a good relationship with drinking, but I must realize that I am not there yet.

            It has also gotten to the point where my mom texts me in the morning just to make sure I’m ok. This morning, I didn’t answer which led to two phone calls. Imagine being a mother and having to make sure your 20-year-old daughter away at college can just make it through the day.

            Having an invisible illness makes me feel like the world’s most selfish person. The amount of guilt I feel every single day is so overwhelming overlapping with the debilitating feeling of regret. Every single day there are so many choices I regret. Every path I have taken has been chosen by me and here I am digging myself into a deeper hole.

            I think why me? I drink and do stupid shit, but I hear stories of people who pass out in the streets, pee in their roommate’s rooms, and puke on their friends and end up in jail. I haven’t done any of those things and yet I feel like a monster that people are just tired “dealing” with. This is because out of the people in my “circle” or even just in my apartment, I’m currently the biggest shit show. I know the point is not that I’m a dickhead when I’m drunk, but the point is the overwhelming suicidal feelings I experience the next day.

            I know that there are so many amazing people in my life. I know that life is most definitely worth living. I just feel like something huge is missing in my life and I can’t figure out what is it. I know my thoughts are incredibly distorted, but checking up on me when I hit rock bottom and being a consistent support system is different in my mind. – I guess I’m just someone who needs consistent reassurance and the current people I have in my life aren’t those kinds of people. They’re amazing, wonderful people, but that’s not who they are.

            However, I can’t blame any part of this on anyone but myself. I am the one fighting with my own brain. I am the one who cannot control and handle myself. I am the one making these decisions. But having a handful of people who I don’t have face to face telling me I will be ok and that these things happen make putting heaps and heaps of blame on myself so much easier.

            Basically, the way I want to finish this post is with: I know things will get better, but I do not see that light right now. As someone who has been in therapy, tried a handful of medicine, and has even dabbled in outpatient therapy, I feel defeated and tired.

            I am taking full responsibility for aggressively continuing to hurt myself, but I also want people to know how hard this is.