I have a folder on my computer labeled “garbage disposal” where I keep things that don’t really matter, have nowhere to go, or just need to be hidden from my main computer screen. I don’t think this will be the first time I’ll take some garbage content from this folder, hence being labeled part 1.
I decided to give it a looky look and found this passage from February 2nd this year ALMOST exactly 2 months ago. Thought sharing this here would do something or be something I don’t really know what I’m expecting, but its a unfiltered look into my thoughts at 9:50 am on a Saturday.
“Yesterday out of impulse I dyed my hair rose gold. It’s kind of purple-y and made my roots a weird color but its FINE. I realized why I did this. All of my time on campus I’ve been blonde and I haven’t liked myself and I really needed to reinvent myself so I guess I went for pink? It all makes sense but I feel overwhelmed and feel like I’m going through a crisis. My new nose ring will also come in today which I am so stoked about. But like I was saying, my chest feels like its going to explode and I have racing thoughts like no other. I really just think I need to talk to someone. I hate talking to therapists, though and I never tell them everything and I feel like my life is going to shambles which I know isn’t true. Things are FINE and are going fine but I’m not doing my best. I wish I was doing my best and I am not even trying my hardest but everything is hard and different and weird. I had a scary dream where I was hospitalized for self-harm last night and I had to talk to the doctor about it and it made me very uncomfortable and I don’t like the way my life has turned out to be, but I think I have the ability to make things better if not soon, eventually. “
One Day At A Time 